Fear

I recently wrote a bit about the insurance problems I had when I tried to get a particular medication for my skin. As I wrote before, my insurance is now covering this medication, and I’ve been using it for several weeks. The results are extraordinary — my skin looks fantastic.

The only problem is that I have to inject the medication into my thigh — and I’m afraid of needles. I have an honest-to-god phobia of them. Don’t try telling me that it only hurts a little or that it’s no big deal. It’s not about the pain or how long it takes or how easy it is — it’s about the needle. Simply seeing a picture of a needle is enough to scare the crap out of me, and the first time I picked up this prescription from the pharmacy, I had a panic attack in the car — I was holding needles, and the thought of all those sharp syringes in the bag in my hands was unbearable.

Slowly but surely, I’ve been getting better at giving myself these shots. I won’t go into the embarrassing details of how difficult it has been, but I’ll just say it’s been *very* difficult. A lot of my anxiety about the shots has crept into various artistic outlets — the “Wait” ATC I posted yesterday has a very anxious feel to it, and much of my work has had an unhappy, serious turn lately. I also made a simple visual journal page about it:

Perilous

The image is from Reader’s Digest — I hate that magazine, but it does have fantastic pictures (and for reasons unknown, we’ve been getting it for years without ever having subscribed to it!). The article was about the medicalization of mood. When I first ripped the image out of the magazine, it hurt to look at it, but after giving myself these shots for a while, I found the image in a pile and realized I could look at it without silently screaming in my head. The text in the page above is about my fear — you can click through to Flickr to read it, but it’s not particularly enlightening. Real-life fears are so depressingly ordinary.

I keep flipping to that page in my journal, and I find it very satisfying. It’s not particularly artistic, but I like the colors and I find it reassuring to see the picture and not hear the screaming in my head.

Posted on September 11th, 2007 by Katxena

1 Comment a “Fear”

  1. John Keogh says:

    As phobias go, it’s a sensible one!